The Da Vinci Code Makes Nuns Angry...

A nun who protested during the filming of The Da Vinci Code is continuing her vigil at the Cannes Film Festival, where the film premiered yesterday (17MAY06).
Sister Mary Michael lead a 12-hour vigil outside Lincoln Cathedral, England, last August (05) while director Ron Howard and stars Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou filmed there.
Angry about author Dan Brown's claims that Jesus Christ married Mary Magdalene and they had a child whose bloodline remains to this day, Sister Mary is quietly reprising her protest on the French Riviera.
She says, "I wasn't going to do another protest over the film, because I didn't think it was necessary. But the world needs to know where we stand"

I’m so confused I don’t know what to believe, I think I will just assume that Jesus Christ had the ability to impregnate people just by thinking about it….even men, because hey, he’s Jesus, mister. And one day he was talking to Mary Magdalene and happened to have an impure thought, no judgment here we all have them. And somehow she ended up pregnant…..or maybe I will assume something that won’t get me struck by lightning. But in closing, I would just like to say that if the Da Vinci Code’s theory is correct than I am pretty sure Jesus is my uncle. And since I have never read the book, I think that it is completely logical to jump to that random, yet plausible conclusion. So I'm just gonna sit back and ride this whole 'life' thing out for a while, you know cap some asses, rob a few old ladies because due to my 'blood line' I think we can safley assume that no matter what I do the next stop is heaven, Oh yeah.... Hey, is there a cloud forming over your head too?

David Blaine Is Determined To meet Jesus

"Illusionist David Blaine is to live "harmoniously' in the jungle for his next stunt.
The magician plans to be left "alone" in the Tanzanian jungle where 150 people are attacked by wild lions a year with just a TV crew present to film his actions.
Blaine narrowly escaped death during his last stunt where he was suspended in a giant fishbowl for a week. The illusionist hoped to end this extravagant display by beating the world record for holding your breath underwater, currently held by Tom Zitas."



I wonder if David just sits around and thinks of ways to try and kill himself in order to get people to pay attention to him. But this time not only is he going to attempt to kill himself, he is also going to try to kill his camera crew. So, I guess in order to be his friend or work with him you have to have some sort of death wish or like to endure a whole lot of pain. Because I am pretty sure he thinks of these things spur of the moment. So unless you are prepared to die or be brutally injured each time you meet with him you are going to be very unhappy. Especially when he invites you to his birthday party, and upon arrival you find out that it is in the middle of the zoo, at midnight and all the animals have just been released from their cages.

Britney Spears Is Just Stupid

" Britney Spears is at the centre of another row over the safety of her son - after allegedly flouting baby car-seat rules again.
The pop princess - who faced outrage after driving with Sean Preston on her knee earlier this year - was seen motoring through Malibu with the baby allegedly "lolling about" in his child seat.
It has sparked fears the eight-month-old tot was not properly strapped into his chair."


Now, I don’t have kids so I can’t directly identify with Britney’s desire to kill her own, but I am sure that Britney has a series of very good explanations for each of these recent developments. Perhaps she has confused her child with her toy Chihuahua 'Bit Bit' that would explain why she rode with him on her lap, dropped him on his head and why she hasn’t strapped him into his car seat.Yeah, I am pretty sure that somewhere in Britney’s house there is a very confused nanny trying desperately to burp a toy Chihuahua, while across town there is an equally confused veterinarian trying to explain to Britney why Sean Preston doesn’t need a Bordetella shot.

But You Already Know She's Stupid

So, Paris Hilton has a new video game and at a promotional signing called the game by the wrong name…


The expo at the Los Angeles Convention Center showcases the latest innovations in the video game industry.
Wearing a green minidress and red platform pumps, Hilton made a brief appearance at the Electronic Entertainment Expo to promote "Paris Hilton's Jewel Jam."
"Sorry I'm late," the heiress said. "I'm really excited to have my new video game, 'Diamondquest.' Thank you all for coming, and you can download the game," she said.

Why is everyone so shocked that Paris Hilton said something stupid? Listen, people just have to accept that the world is full of idiots and until hunting them for sport becomes legal we just have to realize that stupid statements will be made. Personally I feel that if there is going to be a Paris Hilton game that a good premise would be to try to figure out how many STD’s she has, and if you win you get to beat her until she is unconscious. And if you lose you get herpes. I am not sure what the real premise of her game is but if it’s anything like the name I'm thinking it's going to be crappy….”Paris Hilton’s Jewel Jam” see, that sounds shitty. If we went with my idea we could call it “Paris Hilton Has Something” it’s catchy, it has a touch of realism and that’s pretty much the general consensus anyway, right?

Diana Ross's Son Is A Beautiful Young Woman

Now, I don’t think I am alone when I say that Diana Ross’s son looks a whole lot like a woman…a pretty woman, but a woman nonetheless. I also don’t think I am alone when I say he should probably consider switching sexes with Tracy Ellis Ross, his older “sister”. Now I say this because in my personal opinion pretty should be reserved for girls and rugged manly looks should be reserved for guys. However, Tracy Ellis’s appearance falls somewhere in between ruggedly mannish and cartoon cat.

Angelina Reserves Her kid A Room In Hell

Angelina Jolie has reportedly turned downed Brad Pitt's marriage proposal.
The stunning 'Tomb Raider' actress, who is heavily pregnant with actor's baby is refusing to walk down the aisle.A source revealed to Britain's Grazia magazine: "Brad has literally got down on his knees to beg Angelina to change her mind but she laughs pulls him to his feet, kisses him and says, 'Let's not ruin something so perfect'."However, Brad's traditional parents are apparently unimpressed with their son fathering up a child out of wed-lock. The source added: "They'd rather their son bring a child into the world with the benefit of marriage. Angelina is reportedly anxious not to rush into another marriage following her divorces from actors Jonny Lee Miller and Billy Bob Thornton. The couple are currently in Namibia with adopted children Maddox, four, and one-year-old Zahara awaiting the birth of their first child together.

It is totally understandable that Angie doesn’t want to marry; I mean there’s nothing like having your love child look at you and ask why you’ve sentenced them to an eternity in purgatory...Ahh what a feeling, I know I'm looking forward to it. But most "normal" human beings would probably want to avoid a situation like that. And if in the instance Angie became one of those people, I think it would be a good idea for her to explain the situation like a bed time story. You know to soften the blow.…If she did, I would imagine the story would go something like this:

Once upon a time in a land far far away there lived a happily married man named…umm... Prad Bitt. And one day Bitt made a movie with a beautiful and not at all slutty woman named Jngelina Aolie. Over the next several months the two committed several sins, one being a not at all doomed child who was born out of wedlock named….well let’s say the child is... ummm…. Hue. Anyway, Jngelina made sure to do a lot of work for the less fortunate so she wouldn’t be sentenced to an eternity of fire and brimstone as did Bitt. However hue being born out of wedlock was automatically guaranteed a room in hell, coincidentally 3 doors down from Hitler. Anyway, long story short Bitt and Aolie lived happily ever after and I guess Hue will be going to hell.

Good night dear.

Bruce Willis Refuses To Pretend to make love to Halle Berry

Bruce Willis refused to film a sex scene with Halle Berry - because she is too gorgeous.
The 'Die Hard' actor - who stars with the Oscar winning actress in upcoming film 'Perfect Stranger'- made Halle act out the racy scenes alone because he was scared he would get too awkward. The 'Monster's Ball' actress was forced to writhe around in a bed on her own, while the crew played a recording of Willis' voice.The editors then had to put the pair together using computer wizardry.It was the first time the pioneering technique has been used for a sex scene.
Willis said: "I get all awkward. She's beautiful. It's almost like looking at an eclipse of the sun.

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time a guy refused to have pretend sex with me because I was too attractive…I’d have like a gabillion nickels. Anyway, I totally understand Bruce’s decision and this would also explain why he turned down the script that I sent him which I cleverly titled ‘I won’t let you Die Hard’ it was a porno of course, and if he accepted he wouldn’t have been having sex with Halle Berry he would have been having sex with me…and well, I guess it wasn’t so much a script…Yeah, it was actually just those 6 words written in permanent marker on his car windshield.

I'm Baaaaack

In case you were wondering where I have been…


Well let’s see, I played a thrilling game of ‘why’d ya claim that?’ with a few auditors from the loving and always thorough Internal Revenue Service. I mean if you can’t claim goldfish as dependants then what the hell are they good for….they don’t even taste that good, all they really do is make your nephew cry when you eat them. And then much to my surprise the automatic email sender thing wouldn’t send me the password to my account…instead it sent me several non-helpful emails on how to access my account through that stupid automatic email sender thing. But since those two things obviously did not span the 2 month period that I have been gone let’s just assume that I spent the remainder of the time offering small children candy from the inside of my car. And now that we are up to speed lets continue shall we…