WHAT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW....

We've been brainstorming questions for "the list." We are trying to find out about a person's qualities with a quick set of questions. Some men are actually filling out the list by providing their evidence about why they have these qualities. I'm asking people I date questions like:

• How would your ex-wife describe you?
• What do you do to relieve stress?
• What special talents do you have?
• What motivates you?
• What do you feel passionate about?
• etc.

But the more I think about it, perhaps these are not the questions I really want to ask. At church, the minister read this excerpt from The Invitation, a book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
Maybe this is what I really want to know.....

The Invitation
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dream for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true.

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day.

And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Wow! This is really what we need to know about a person before we pledge to share the rest of our lives with them. The problem is I don't think you can really find this out in a few dates or a few years. How do we really know who another person's essence, their soul?

Question of the Day: How would you complete this sentence "It doesn't interest me to know.....I want to know....?"

My Flip Flops Are My Sole-Mate

Do you believe in soul-mates? Some people define a soul mate as the complement to oneself. Almost every person feels a longing for companionship; a need to connect at the spiritual level with another or at least a higher power. At one time or another, almost everyone has searched for that person that can help us grow and develop our consciousness on earth. A soul mate should be more than merely a physical attraction; it is a capacity to help each other at the physical, mental, and spiritual levels. Is there really such a thing as two souls that are perfectly matched and are connected to each other throughout eternity? Does a soul really have a gender attached to it? That sounds great but what if you missed connecting with that person?

Does that person have to be one person? Does each person have exactly one other special soul that it is meant to be with whenever possible? Or can we have relationships, not necessarily sexual ones, with many people who have similar thoughts, feelings, ideas and shared purpose...people who make our spirits soar or challenge us to think/feel on a higher level? When most people talk about their soul mate, it is the one they have chosen to marry -- the perfect mate. But is it possible, to have a soul mate or two and to choose a mate not for their soul but because they are compatible and you think that you can co-habitat with them? For me, I flip-flop on the soul mate issue. Can you help me think through it?

Question of the Day: Can one person give you everything you need (mind, body, spirit)? Is that realistic?

Why Do We Use Acronyms For Things We Don't Want to Talk About?

HPV, HSV I & II, HBV I & II and of course HIV -- All STDs.

Why do we use acronyms for things we don't want to talk about? If you are dating today, the acronym that no one wants to talk about is STDs, sexually transmitted diseases. These are some statistics that are making me re-think the whole "for entertainment purposes only" guy. Or at the very least, I'm thinking hard about the rules of the "hook up."

The United States has the highest rates of STDs in the industrialized world. In the United States alone, an estimated 15.3 million new cases of STDs are reported each year. Women suffer more frequent and more serious complications from STDs than men (OF COURSE!)

It is estimated that as many as one in four Americans have genital herpes, a lifelong infection, yet up to 90 percent of those with herpes are unaware they have it. It is estimated that by 2025 up to 40% of all men and half of all women could be infected. By the age of 50, at least 80 percent of women will have acquired genital HPV infection. HPV is the cause of more than 90 percent of all cervical cancer, which kills about 5,000 American women every year.

Whew, I'm depressed enough, so I won't even comment on chlymidia, gonorrhea, syphilis and the big one...HIV. The websites say abstinence is the best way to protect yourself. I didn't have sex when I was married and that wasn't very satisfying so I guess I'll put my faith in what I hope is the best raw latex, stabilizers and fine dispersed vulcanization chemicals molded into a penis shaped protective shield commonly known as a "rubber." Yes, in high school we called them rubbers. Now they call them condoms and they come in many shapes, colors, flavors and now even in different sizes. They are engineered to meet ISO standards in both the US and Europe. Condoms are high tech, serve multiple functions including pleasuring one or both partners and are readily available in stores like my personal favorite -- Costco so you can buy in bulk! Now, with all these great features, why won't guys wear them?



Perhaps condom manufacturers have taken it too far because now they sell them in several different sizes. I mean, what man is going to go into the drug store and pick up a small? I've never even known a man who needs it to order a small shirt let alone something small for their penis!

My doctor says that condoms really don't adequately protect you from the trasmission of STDS. After thinking about this whole safe sex topic tonight, I heard on TV that Anna Nichole-Smith claims to have had sex with a ghost. Now, this sounds pretty good to me. You don't have to worry about STDs and if you have a good exorcist, you won't need worry about commitment.

Remember, National Condom Week is February 14-21. Encourage a single man to proudly sport a designer condom!

Question of the Day: Do you know how many people under the age of 25 will contract an STD this year? Hint: It's over 1/2 of people who have STDs in the US.

Barking up the Wrong Tree

You know you are on the wrong track when....you go trolling for men at a gay pride event! Three clueless women, including me, did just that a few nights ago. Looking for next date at a gay pride event, is that a sign of desparation, lack of direction or just plain not paying attention? Talk about "he's just not that into you!" What was sad was we were walking around the street party, listening to the music and smiling at men for a good hour before we figured out where we were. I'm certain that my "gay-dar," which is usually very good, had a dead battery or something.

In case you are unsure, here are the top 5 clues you may be at a gay pride event:
5.Lots of booths are rainbow colored and selling big L t-shirts.
4. Lots of guys wearing sunglasses on their heads with fake orange tinted tans.
3. You have several "Pat" sitings.
2. You see a bunch of handsome guys with one heavy-set gal.

and finally, the number 1 clue that you might be at a gay pride event....
1. There are lots of men holding other men's hands or dancing shirtless together.

Now, I don't want you to think my comments are meant to be disparaging to gay people. Here are my beliefs on homosexuals:
1. Being attracted to the same sex occurs in nature in a certain portion of many species. I think homosexuals are born that way and it is not a choice. Would you choose a lifestyle that is so misunderstood and scorned? Homosexuals will not go to hell for following what is natural to them. Christians are not acting very Christian if they judge them.
2. Homosexuals should be able to have children and raise families. Stupid people should not. That should be the criteria, not are you gay but are you stupid...then you should not be a parent.
3. Homeosexuals should be able to get married. Better them than me!

Question of the Day: Do you think homosexuals should be able to adopt children?

He's Just Not That Into You....(that's because he's too busy being into himself!)

Have you heard of the book, "He's Just Not That Into You?" I talked to a lady reading it at the beauty shop and saw the author on Oprah. I cannot believe any woman would need a book to tell them when a guy isn't interested. Men are so obvious. So I agree with much of what was included in the first chapter except for one major point. He says women should not pursue men; should not take the initiative. He develops this point based upon the assumption that men are highly capable and can get what they want. Wow, what an assumption. One thing I did learn from my 1950s mom is how to make a man think it is THEIR idea. That is a skill that should be passed on from generation to generation. The one thing I agree with the author about is that women are good enough to be asked out; probably too good for those that are asking.

I title this blog entry, "He's Just Not That Into You (because he is too busy being into himself) based upon personal experience and the testimony of others. Not to belabor that whole Star Wars analogy, but.... Do you remember in the original episode when Luke was freaking out about Obe Won Kenobi getting killed? Luke had just met the guy and he was blubbering about Obe dying to Princess Leila, who just watched her entire planet get blown to smitherines! He could have been a little more sensitive to the woman who just lost all the people in her entire world. Get out of yourself for a moment bud! You'll notice at the end, Luke doesn't get the babe (of course, she did turn out to be his sister).

QUESTION OF THE DAY: What do you think of the book "He's Just Not That Into You?" Do you think a woman should take the initiative when asking a man out?

Why "Bad Picker?"

Why did I call myself "Bad Picker?" Because I don't know how to pick a man. I let them pick me. I go back to the whole "Disney" crap that I was sold as a child and our whole culture. We learned that women should let the man approach them and not the other way around. It is a LOT easier, speaking as a women who just asked out a man for the first time in her life at the age of 39, to let them come to you. The focus group decided that letting them come to me is a mistake for the very reason it is for many women like me. Often strong, capable, successful women attract weak, needy men. If the man is a good salesmen who can act like a capable man for a while; you can be fooled. My problem is that I like sensitive men. You know, a man that can talk about their feelings. The problem comes in when they turn out to be tortured by their feelings and use drugs, alcohol and sex to self-medicate. Yes, I said sex. Unfortunately, it wasn't sex with me. You see, I found out that my ex was cheating on me using an ad in the local alternative newspaper searching for kinky sex. Real sensitive huh?

Another possibility is that women like me, learned to be strong and capable from their moms who are the caretakers. Therapists may call these caretaking moms "co-dependent" but they are really just 1950s homemakers. I talked to my Mom about the possibility that she may be co-dependent (making me more certain that I am because I'm trying to solve her problems). She says to me in great Mom form..."You might be right that I'm co-dependent, but it works for me." She's right...she and Dad have been married happily for over 40 years. Dad isn't an alcoholic; but instead he is a really nice man who everyone in town loves. The problem for me is being the co-dependent caretaker didn't work for me.

To help with my "picking" capabilities, my friends have agreed (well some of them have), to help. My divorce lawyer and friend came up with a great idea called the Power of 10. She tells 10 of her friends what I'm looking for, her 10 friends tell 10 of their friends and so on. At least one of those people may know someone who is a potential Mr. Right or at the very least Mr. Right Now.

Question for the Day: Do you know of anyone who might be a possibility? Three preliminary qualifications: 1. male & not married; 2. not gay; and 3. has a wrist that is bigger than mine (not hard to do).

Finding Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now)

Because my Fairy Godmother is not reliable and in order to make sure I don't make the same mistake again, I developed a list of qualities I'm looking for in a man. Now, you may say, "get real" after reading this list. To quote a married friend of mine...."You'll never find a man with all these characteristics and if I know of one, I won't be fixing you up with him; I'll be leaving my husband for him." But really, that is the point. I'm pretty happy with my life. I have a loving, close family, I own a successful business, I have LOTs of cool friends, interests, etc. I don't want to give up closet space, change my life or expose my young son to another person if that person is not worthy. Now, I don't want you to think I'm too picky about who I date. I'm willing to date someone for "entertainment purposes" who does not have all these qualities. Afterall, I am human and want to have some fun. But I don't want to share my life and my son's life with someone who is not potentially "Mr. Right."

LIST OF “DEAL-BREAKERS”
□ Good self esteem/generally happy
□ Trustworthy – Does what they say they are going to do
□ Trusting – secure enough in himself to give me space
□ Kind and compassionate to others, especially my son & me
□ Hardworking – at home and at work
□ Accepts others for who they are (NOT racists, anti-gay, anti-semitic, sexist, anti-religious/God)
□ Outgoing and friendly
□ Patient with others, especially kids
□ Aware of his own feelings, the feelings of others
□ Passionate, giving lover who enjoys having sex with me
□ Has healthy habits (physically fit, eats right, doesn’t abuse food, drugs, alcohol, is a non-smoker)
□ Fiscally responsible (but not cheap)
□ Financially secure
□ Generous and charitable
□ Good sense of humor
□ Intelligent
□ Believes in a higher power (is not a religious conservative or zealot)
□ Values and supports my career/profession/passion/mission and has his own passion/profession
□ Accepts and manages change well – is flexible
□ Gets along well with my family & his family – I like his family

Now, I wrote earlier about dating for "entertainment purposes." These extra credit items are often those that let me overlook lack of a few qualities in the above list in order to find someone to hook up with on the two days a week my son is at his dad's house.

EXTRA CREDIT POINTS
The following qualities do NOT replace the Deal-Breaker Items but simply receive bonus points for these items:

□ Good dancer
□ Enjoys nature and outdoors
□ Enjoys music and art
□ Cooks delicious food
□ Likes to entertain friends and family
□ Neat and tidy/organized
□ Punctual
□ About the same age as me or younger
□ Athletic, enjoys active sports rather than watching them on TV
□ Likes to talk about world events and politics
□ Adept at giving massages
□ Has interesting friends

The next step was to have a focus group of married and single smart women, to develop a list of screening questions. These screening questions will be used to quickly find out about the man's qualities in order to determine whether the man is on the Mr. Right track or the For Entertainment Purposes only dating track.

Question of the Day: Do you have any suggestions for screening questions or good stories about what Mr. Wrong has revealed to you on a date?

I Was Married to Darth Vader

I was married to Darth Vader. I don't mean that I was actually married to the Sith who commanded Imperial Storm Troopers. I mean, I was married to someone who seemed a little troubled but good hearted in the beginning and then turned to the dark side. Of course, Anakin Skywalker turned evil because of his lust for power and ultimately killed his wife. My ex-husband fell to the darkness of depression, alcoholism, drug abuse and sexual-addition. I was witness to the whole dark journey and ignored most of it and made it out alive! But this blog is not about his journey, it is about mine. It is really about what most people, surprised to see themselves divorced go through. It is about emerging from a bad situation and making a new life. It is about "new hope." It is about my story but it is about yours too. So please share with me your story. I'm not a big fan of sad, sob stories so let's use humor to work through life's struggles. Afterall, if you don't laugh, you may cry. Obviously, my Fairy Godmother is not that reliable, so I'm going to have to find happily-ever-after myself. Please join me on my journey.

I called my blog "My Fairy Godmother Must Be A Drunk" because she is often not always there for me. At the very least, she must be co-dependent because she brings me men who are alcoholics, have dependent personality disorder, are depressed or just boring. I don't mean to complain, but come on! Get off the sauce fairy and look for a few prince-type guys...or at the very least someone who is not so dysfunctional.

Party Fairy Here are some other good sites:
http://relationships.blog-city.com/


Postings for search engines:
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