QUESTION # 678: NO MYSTICAL TELEKINETIC NINJAS HERE

Dear Useless Friends,

So, I have been reading since before you got a useless clock and have seen many questions about relationships answered, so I wanted to pose one of my own.

I highly enjoy the company of this guy who lives in my dorm building. For some reason everytime I am around him, I become very clumsy. A week and a half ago I accidently knocked tea over onto his Mac (and he is a computer engineering major, so doubly bad). He still is friendly and we hang out quite frequently, however I still find it very hard to make my feet function normally. Sometimes I don't realise he is there until I have fallen down and he is there.

...

As I am writing this I suddenly realise that he is also a black belt at kung fu, so... what if he is passive agressivly upset about his poor computer still being in the shop and is using some mystic kung fu energy to knock me over everytime he is close to me and that is why he invites me to be around him?

Crushing, but hopefully not crushed.

Dear Crushing,

First off, let me just make it clear that I do not believe in the existence of telekinetic ninjas with mystic powers. However, there is most definitely a group of basement-dwelling 32-year-old dungeon masters* who will vehemently disagree with me. But, assuming I’m wrong, and I usually am, you’ll need to impress this computer engineering friend of yours to change the current course of events.

His computer, and its safe return, is the key. There are a number of big stores such as Future Shop that offer repair services to computers and he could have taken the damaged computer to any one of these locations. To impress him, you need to locate the exact store, steal the computer, fix it yourself, and return it to him. In order to accomplish this, you may have to do some learnin’.

If you look at bulletin boards around campuses or drug stores, you can often find people offering computer classes or repair classes on the cheap to help pay for their schooling and/or Mary Jane addiction. I suggest taking one of these nerds up on their offer of computer repair courses. You might also find some great bargains on “mildly stained” and “gently used” couches. If you see anything interesting, call me. We need another place to sleep in the office as I can’t seem to make my rent anymore thanks to One Useless Man’s stingy paychecks.

Anyway, in a few short months you should have learned how to repair his computer. But it sounds to me like there is another issue you’ll need to overcome. The problem is your clumsiness, IE your ‘fat fingers’, which make your hand movements clumsy. Now, surgery might be the best option here. That is, if you don’t want to spend the rest of your life whacking the keyboard with your palms, potentially endangering any tall plant, hot beverage, or Lego CN Tower within your 3 ft. radius.

Don’t worry. In a few short months your surgery should have healed nicely and you will be ready to fix his computer. All that’s left to do is find the shop he brought it to, steal it, fix it, and return it to him with a big red bow on it. If he took it to Future Shop, they likely haven’t even looked at it yet, so you’re good.

My last bit of advice is when working on the computer: just make sure you resist the temptation to load his hard drive with naked swooning photos of yourself. I know this may come as a surprise, but this sexy and heartwarming act may actually backfire. Take it from me – I know from experience.

Oh wait, you said it was a Mac? Gosh.

Sorry. I can’t help you.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

* I officially do not recognize the title of dungeon master and therefore refuse to capitalize it. Suck it, dungeon masters.


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QUESTION # 677: STALKING SPLOJERKS

Dear Useless Men,

I use a computer in a public place and there is a guy there most times I go in. He constantly, snuffs, snorts, sighs and scatches the whole time I'm there. Why does he do this? I've watched through a window before going in and he is just surfing the web. This activity starts as soon as I sit down.

TJ

Dear TJ,

You have found yourself a splojerk. Don’t confuse these with a Spoljaric. They are fine baseball family out of Port Hope, Ontario. (Hi Paul!)

Unless, of course, this public computer place is in Port Hope, in which case it could be both. It would be rare, I suppose. My cousin once felt threatened by a splojerk in Port Hope (who was not a Spoljaric as far as I know). Either way, this spoljerk made my time at the part get cut short when my older cousin decided her safety was more important than an extra under-dog on the swings. Of course, that slimy punk may have wanted a little under-dog himself, and he was too big for the swings.

Where was I? Right, Port Hope. Initially I’d guess that this guy was trying to get your attention, akin to hitting you over the head with a lunchbox to show his love but without the assault charges.

But then I re-read your letter. Mostly because I’d forgotten what you were asking. And you said “I’ve watched through a window before going in…” And alarm bells began ringing like loud bells that would be in a good metaphor that I can’t think of right now. Think liberty bell but without the crack, unless it was my wise crack here.

Ummm… where was I? Right, you being a stalker. Your staring through the window has clearly frighten this man. Port Hope is a small town, and the prospect of avoiding you in future in a public computer place isn’t promising. So he is clearly making actions to turn you off. It’s like a woman that farts in an elevator to ensure she doesn’t get followed by the creepy guy that just got off.

Now, if you are still interested in him, I suggest that you make your intentions more clear like inviting him to the park for a ride on the swings. Unless you have a lunch pail available?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 676: HALLOWE'EN HORROR

Dear Useless Men,

My sister has double dog dared me to wear this costume for halloween. I wanted to get your advice since you are such a Halloween GuRu!?

Velvet Ginger

Dear VG,

At first glance this costume might seem inappropriate and hussyish and there is some validity there. While it would be in bad taste to wear to, say, cousin Norma’s wedding in about 48 of the U.S of States, it’s perfectly acceptable everywhere else, and that includes Halloween parties. Funerals, too. I mean, people are already crying. So what if they cry even harder when you show up? Their loved one is already dead so there’s virtually no chance you could make that situation worse.

Now, because I’m real good at reading, I understand that you were double dog dared to wear this breastacular costume. Obviously the darer clearly thinks there is something wrong with it. But upon close examination of the photo attached, in the bathroom, for about 3 minutes, I found the shirt to be made from a good quality cotton/lycra blend, and the mask a fair representation of a senior North American citizen. Therefore I must assume it’s the dangly bits that appear to be unfitting for whatever function you are going to.

So why is your sister wrong? I’ll tell you.

People, as all men can attest to, are not offended by boobs. Why else would the internet be 97% porn? It’s a supply and demand thing. Men demand boobs, the internet supplies them. In jpeg and mpeg form. “But,” you may say, “Halloween is for kids! What if children see the breasts??”

"Pshaw," I say. Children are just as curious as adults. Freddy Kreuger would give them nightmares, not two big danglies under a Hooters shirt.

Furthermore, nobody’s going to remember seeing those jugs anyway. Now, most of them will surely remember uncle Phil, the propane torch and the boat docks. There just had to be abetter way to start that campfire without sending two boats into carbon heaven and getting the whole family kicked out of the KOA under the cover of darkness, if by cover of darkness you mean the glowing orange blaze and the flashing red and whites of the volunteer fire brigade. That little stunt would land him in top running for the Darwin Awards, or all over YouTube the next day, if it hadn't been 1967. Besides, the rest of the crowd will be too drunk to remember how to wipe their own butts when they wake the next morning to find themselves sitting, curiously, on the toilet with a rubber chicken stuck to their face. I don't know why...

Big boobs are an amazing thing. Both girls and guys want them. Therefore, wearing this costume to a party would make you the center of attention as party goers gather round to examine its authenticity. And assuming you use your natural wonders in place of some rubbery accessory, you’ll be the saggy life of the party. That being said, here’s your official invite to The Useless Men’s Useless Halloween bash:

Sat. Nov 1st
One Useless Man’s Garage,
9 p.m.
ByoB – no, not beer.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 675: MONKEY BUSINESS

Dear Useless Men,

It's been awhile since I wrote. Luckily I'm not Catholic or you'd be telling me I had to do some kind of annoying penance. Not that penance is all bad. Some of it is kind of fun. So... do you like being spanked or do you prefer to give a little swat now and then?

Signed,
Curious, The Cat with Claws

Dear Curious (TCWC),

Glad you came back with another question. I should state that continuous reading of Useless Advice From Useless Men is a kind of penance all its own. It has been a while for us to respond to this question and for that you are required to continue reading until you feel you've suffered enough.

I understand why it took so long to dream up this controversial question. This is delicate for a couple of reasons. There is always the great debate about child rearing and if spanking is appropriate or more damaging. There is also the issue of animal testing inherent with this type of inquiry. I was for both, but let's break this down.

Childrenary disciplination actions are a hot topic lately. I was spanked as a kid and I looked forward to spanking my own. Spanking is a learning process much like touching a hot stove. You touch a hot stove. You get burned. Your Mom yells at you a lot. You don't touch it again until you need more attention from Mom. Simple.

Likewise, when you shave the dog and paint it to look like the cat, you get spanked. Then you won't shave the dog and paint it to like the cat again. Simple.

Did I like being spanked as a kid? No. It was a punishment.

Now seeing as I don't have kids yet, I had to test the "Spanker" theory somehow and as such I tested it the only way I knew how.

I spanked my monkey.

As a volunteer with the local zoo (which is my penance for shaving the dog and .... well you know), I was able to organize a safe and top of the line work environment where myself, Dr. Creepy-Janitor-With-The-Twitch, (I think the name is Hungarian), and Prince Kong (the chimpanzee I've been helping with) could conduct our research.

I chose Prince Kong because kids are like monkeys. They climb on everything, they make a lot a noise, and a lot of mess.

What I found when I spanked my monkey was that it wasn't all that satisfying. Perhaps it was the screeching the monkey made which made me realize it actually was hurting him more then it was hurting me. My Dad always said, “This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” before muttering “little buggers” under his breath. I was surprised that my spanking of the monkey didn’t hurt me at all. Even spanking harder and faster, I was sore, but not as sore as Kong.

So perhaps it was my conscience that tainted the experience knowing Prince Kong had done nothing wrong.

Or, maybe it was the creepy janitor guy with the twitch (who let me use his utility closet for the test) watching as I spanked my monkey that spoiled the experience.

I don't know. I'm not a veterinarian.

I won't lie. It got weird. Especially when my monkey spanked me. Monkey see, monkey do, I suppose.

In the end, I found that I did not enjoy spanking. Not spanking my monkey or my unborn kids either. Did I like being spanked by Prince Kong? Yes. Because it was punishment.

Sincerely,
One Useless Brother


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QUESTION # 674: QUATTRO TITANIUM TRIMMER ON THE LOOSE

Dear Useless Men,

Gimme some useful advice- I always feel uncomfortable when searching for loose change. How do I change this??

In addition to soliciting advice, I'm writing to you today on behalf of Schick - they have a new Quattro Titanium Trimmer that is unlike anything else on the market. It has a four blade razor- with an edging blade on one end, and a trimmer on the other. Crazy, right??!

We're sending out samples for bloggers to check out and review - I think you and your readership might be interested.

Also, you can let your readers know that they can get their own free Titanium Trimmer in the mail. All they have to do is visit www.trimflixx.com and make their own video clip. No strings attached. As you know, people love hearing about ways of getting free stuff. Especially when it's a cool high tech razor like this one.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Deana
www.trimflixx.com

Dear Deana,

I’ll give you some useful advice: Keep sending us cool free stuff!

I think it’s awesome when someone in the ad game (or the marketing game, or the free stuff to give away game) gets “it”. I mean, I like it better when I get “it”. Not all "it" because some of "it" is bad. Like tag, when being “it” sucks. Where was I? Sorry…

It. You got "it" when you started by asking for our advice. Kudos to you and the folks that employ you. (Psst – Deana is a keeper!)

That doesn’t change the fact that we are generally useless, and will barely be putting this answer up before your promotion is over. But not without our own extensive research. First I spent two weeks growing a beard. If I’m gonna try a shaving product, like your Quattro Titanium Trimmer, I’m darn well gonna give it a run for its money (which ironically, was free).

I liked the man sized handle. I liked the extra blades. I really don’t know what the extra blade in the back does, other than cut me (I’m sure that’s not the proper thing to do with it, but I don’t read instructions). Regardless, the extra blade added that element of danger, like when we mow the lawn in sandals. Dangerous, but exhilarating.

Which is how I feel about loose change. It’s not really loose if you have it trapped in a hand bag or a purse or pocket. You want confined change. If you have loose change trapped in your purse, let it go free. You ever corner a wild badger? That’s nothing if you have a handful of nickels ready to gnaw your hand off if you reach any closer.

So let your loose change go free. If you don’t have any free range change farms where you are, feel free to send your loose change to us, where we will set it free in the Canadian north for you. (Loose change travels best in the form of a cheque.)

Thanks for the extra cool razor. I gave the extra one to the Useless Wonder. Sadly, he thought I was writing back to a different question…

Sincerely,
One Useless Man


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QUESTION # 673: USELESS NEWS NETWORKS

Dear Useless Men,

Why does the media find it necessary to state the absolutely obvious facts in such a way that we are led to believe that it was a surprising revelation to them when they heard it at the press conference?

My best example is the most recent tragic shooting in Omaha. There was a news story following that stated "Killer smuggled rifle into mall under his clothes." Well DUH !!!! Did they originally think that perhaps he had it strapped to the top of his hat like the wiener and bun on top of the hot-dog mobile?

Signed

Dear Signed,

The media has soldiered on for years as the providers and defenders of free thought and education for the masses. They have fought long and hard to ensure that we are kept up to date on current events and social trends. Over the years their effectiveness has been eroded.

There was a time when the radio stations were the first to bring us current events. The newspapers would provide an in depth analysis of the stories we heard on the radio. The television came along and shows were created to truly exhaust the research on things. Entire channels have been devoted to single topics such as nature or renovations or cooking. Eventually they all scramble to take care of the good topics. What was left was the tripe and dross that makes up much of what we see on mainstream media today. What are the latest drunken starlets wearing? Who's dating who? These are all that's left.

The media have been clamoring so long to be head over each other that they must continue speaking whether they have something to say or not. Dead air is the enemy! As such, we get treated to running commentary of … nothing. You need only tune in to the constant news networks on the air these days to hear the same nugget of information being restated over and over and over-analyzed for hours upon hours until the next nugget comes in. Watch. Rinse. Repeat.

In their pursuit of such, we, Useless Men, salute the media. Never in the history of the world has so much money and effort been expended to accomplish nothing at all. We are envious and as such put ourselves in the running for the next barons of global media.

Please send your cheques and loose change to us that we may start the Useless News Network. I can tell you first hand that we'd love to cover any news story involving a hotdog mobile with coverage utilizing all the current technologies available to us. A multi pronged approach using print, radio, television and internet coverage in all its hotdog-ish splendor.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless I'd Be A Cat


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QUESTION # 672: SMELLY MR. KNOW-IT-ALL

Dear Useless Men,

Why do ppl who think they know everything often have 20 cats and always smell like cat pee?

Honkeie2

Dear Honkeie2

Cat urine is stronger and more offensive than dog or human urine, so I can understand your repulsion. But don’t be too quick to judge, as there are plenty of stupid people who own cats as well. Take Jon Arbuckle for example. He’s not exactly famous for his knowledge of quantum mechanics or political science.

Nevertheless, if the smell of cat pee offends you, try this helpful tip for avoiding the know-it-all types: You will need to learn to spot the know-it-all from a distance. Luckily, they can be easily recognized by their annoying characteristics.

They will often talk a lot or speak very quickly, and use words you likely won’t understand. They can be tall, with greasy hair or big scruffy beards with wisps of grey. Thick glasses are common, as is non-directional pacing.

If it proves difficult to avoid situations where you’d encounter a person matching this description you can always carry around a bottle of Urine Away. The fast-acting enzyme action eliminates cat urine odours and stains. Simply hose the know-it-all and let dry.

Finally, you should avoid known know-it-all hangouts. There’s nothing worse than being cornered by a bearded close-talker who’s wearing a leopard-print thong with his boys hanging out the sides a little bit, and wants nothing more than to tell you about society’s mistakes while he feeds the 20 cats that live with him in his cardboard box in the alley behind the Useless Offices.

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder


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QUESTION # 671: UNITING USP UNDER ICUSM

Dear Useless Men,

Very, very long time ago, in IT department of one Telecom company we founded small useless community. We called it US since then, which is short for Useless Speaking. We talked about magnesium, reverse kicks, randomizing and many other interesting things. We used to do useless speaking on meetings, by mail and in our regular office life. I've been googling for other useless people and then, in 2006 I found YOU, Useless Men...

My first question to you was : "What do you think about magnesium?" It was a test question, which let me identify how useless you are. I'm really happy to realize that we are not the only Useless Speaking People (USP) on the planet. I want to locate the other living forms of Useless Men and unite them under International Community of Useless Speaking Men (ICUSM). What do you think about this?

Regards,
Useless Speaking

Dear Boris Badenov,

Ah! Comrade! Long time, no speaking (useless or otherwise)! I trust all is well and the thaw has begun in lovely Pottsylvania? The western half of our country is in the grips of a typical Canadian Prairies Springtime here, having seen winter come and go twice in the past month. Sunny and 20 degrees Celsius one day, 20cm of snow the next!

But enough about me...

I see you've been dabbling in IT, eh? Not exactly your usual "bomb in a briefcase" style for dealing out mayhem and destruction on moose and squirrel, but effective none-the-less. I can't count the number of times my network guy has come to fix my PC, only to leave me feeling like I'd be better off hanging myself from the air vent above my desk. Well, actually, I probably could count the number of times, but the result would just be an increased desire to hang myself from the air vent above my desk.

Which begs the question: What is that air vent for, anyway? Well, air, obviously, but I haven't felt the slightest breeze from the thing the entire time I've worked here. There's even that little piece of pink ribbon tied to the grate that has me constantly looking up... Did it move? I think it moved... Yet my cubical is still only about 2 degrees cooler than the 7th circle of hell and smells like gym socks.

Okay, really now, enough about me...

You want to know what I think about uniting Useless Speaking People (USP) to form the International Community of Useless Speaking Men (ICUSM)?

I think that sounds like a lot of people you'll need to talk into sex-change operations.

And now, here's something we hope you'll really enjoy...

Sincerely,
Useless Intern


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QUESTION # 670: PUNK-TUATIONS

Dear Useless Men,

Mkay.

Here's the deal....

I met a man I really like, but he is ummmm.... otherwise spoken for.
Not in the literal sense, but I get the feeling that his need to wrap up his past will take longer than what I have the time or patience for.

How should I approach such a useless situation?

ps
May be that I am hoping for an extra little something under my tree rather than an actual 'relationship'.

:D

Dear :D,

I’ve never met someone with punctuation in their name. That is so cool.

Punctuation is so powerful, and alluring. It’s like that old test where you put a sentence up and see how people punctuate it. The most common one is “Woman without her man is nothing.” People punctuate it differently and get different meanings. Like, “Woman, without her, man is nothing” and “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” I wrote, “Woman, without her man, is Wo.” I failed.

Professor said I left nothing out of the assignment. I countered that nothing changed. He agreed that nothing changed, and that nothing was wrong. I said, “Exactly.” So why did I fail? Teacher said I left nothing out. I agreed that nothing was left out. And the confusion continued with Professor Costello.

So when you say this man of yours is otherwise spoken for, I assume you mean he is in another set of figurative “quotation marks.” My English professor would likely suggest you approach the situation with a full range of punctuation.

Some women think they need to make a statement, but then miss the period. That’s an opening for trouble, and interpretation. Did you leave him thinking it was a question mark? You could be too aggressive and leave an emphatic exclamation point! Or the ambiguous ellipse that leaves the reader wondering what more you meant…

The best way to solve your dilemma is through word association. Ask your man this question, “If you were a form of punctuation, what punctuation would you be?” It’s a great way to see how his mind works, and what he really thinks of himself. Compare your answer with his, and see if you would be compatible. As a base, my English Prof asked me the same question. I said I was a colon. But that was because I eat a lot of bran.

Sincerely,
::: One Useless Man :::


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QUESTION # 669: CHARITY COMES FROM THE MIND

Dear Useless Men,

I think it's great The Useless Wonder is participating the Becel Ride for Heart.
I tried to send you a donation -- but the only accepted Credit Cards... which I don't have (was hoping for paypal *lol*)
Oh well... it's the thought that counts, right???

Sincerely,
~Tried To Help....

Dear Tried to Help,

On September 21, 1938, Murray Albert arrived home after work as usual, and stumbled upon a scene. He was surprised to find his wife having tea with her two sisters and their parents. All around their feet was scattered the evidence of a party; torn paper, ribbons, bows, empty boxes and three “Waring” blenders.

Completely forgetting his wife’s birthday, and seeing both the anger in her expression and the three weapons on the floor, Murray quickly came up with a story. “I wanted to buy you a Cadillac,” he told her, “but the 1939 models didn’t arrive in time. It’s the thought that counts, right sweetheart?” History was made. To this day, Useless Men every where still use the Murray Albert to avoid getting whacked in the head with a blender.


I agree that the thought should count. It would make the world a better place. If thoughts counted, it would give the Heart & Stroke Foundation bragging rights. Fundraising would be 10X easier as one would only have to think about donating $100 and it would be done, even if the $100 didn’t come from their own wallet. In no time, the Heart & stroke Foundation could honestly say they were the top fundraiser in the world.

And it would eliminate violence. Bank robbers would only have to think about holding up a bank at gunpoint and they’d be rich without ever having to beat your cute little grandma’s adorably wrinkled head in.

It would also solve world hunger as merely thinking of giving food to economically challenged countries would result in bellies full of grubs, worms and millipedes.

And finally, if thoughts counted, all I would have to do to get myself out of this demeaning, stab-myself-in-the-face-with-a-pitchfork job writing Useless replies is to think of a giant cement truck delivering its creamy load straight into the Useless Office right in the middle of One Useless Man’s famous you-won’t-be-getting-paid-again-this-week meetings.

But thanks anyway!

Sincerely,
The Useless Wonder

P.S. If not a credit card, I would also accept personal cheques and secret Swiss bank account wire transfers.


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QUESTION # 668: YAAAWWWWWNNNNnnn.....

Dear Useless Men,

What do you think about sleep. Is it highly overrated. Personally, I don't feel there can be too much sleep, but then perhaps I just need a nap.

Sincerely,
Sleepy

Dear Sleepy,

I am a chronic insomniac and can honestly say that sleep is like air. You don't really notice it until it begins to run out. Personally I do find sleep to be highly overrated. You're dealing with a man who calls sleeping in getting up at 8:00am.

For the record, I generally get around 5-6 hours a night. I never was a napper but have found that as sleep and I have fallen out of favour that naps and I have become acquainted. Like a bad marriage where you get bored with each other and begin fooling around, naps and sleep don't get along either. Once I nap I find that sleeping is even more difficulty for me. Not that I don't enjoy it. A good nap is invigorating and even though I know I'll pay for it later I find myself craving the nap. The thrill of chasing a good nap is invigorating. I imagine that by the time and an old grey haired chap that sleep and I will be in an occasional relationship at best. Instead I shall collect most of my rest in a series of naps.

The sad irony of this is that by the time I get to that age I'll not have much to fill my time with as opposed to now, when those few hours would be so handy. I suppose it's a good thing that as a Useless Man I am lacking in the ambition and focus departments. This will allow me to fill the abundance of time with things like chasing kids off my lawn and watching bugs fly into the bug zapper lamp. There's always the opportunity to catch up on my navel gazing...

We'll see what time brings.

Sincerely,
Any More Useless, I'd Be A Cat

P.S. Give my regards to the other dwarves could you please? What's the deal with Snow White? Looks like hers and housekeeping skills too? I'm surprised you guys let her get away!


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